Attention this is Satire
As we move through time and space towards the football season we come to the most major theological debate in the western hemisphere. What should you do if your favorite football team is playing at that fateful 11 am time slot? Do you go to church or do you stay home to kick up the recliner enjoy the pre game and consume the liturgy of football?
It is a tough question and it really depends on the following guide lines. First, you have to ask yourself, is my team any good? More importantly, you must ask, is the team we’re playing leaps and bounds better than our squad? If your team has a less than 40 percent chance of winning head to those church doors. If you far and above outclass the other team go to church and duck out after communion maybe you can catch the second half.
Of course, if you chose the leave after communion or right after service you run the risk of the dreaded time suck of, announcements. I love a good announcement as much as the next guy but listen sometimes they can go ridiculously long. In fact, on one occasion this past year our announcements lasted one-quarter of a Broncos game. Now we should all give ourselves a pat on the back, we are one sociable congregation. However, if you need to get back to catch that crucial fourth quarter that can be a major issue. So if you plan on making a quick exit be aware delays may occur.
So In what situations do you always chose your team over church attendance?
There are five.
1. Week one if your team has the 11 am game you have to watch it. God will forgive you, missing the season opener is non-negotiable.
2. Your team is undefeated. Whether it’s 1-0 or 10-0 you can’t risk jinxing the streak. May I suggest saying a quick pre-game prayer to get your god in for the day.
3. If your team is playing their division rival or: The Patriots, Steelers, Packers, Cowboys are playing against your team. These are the NFL’s premiere teams and if they play yours at the 11 o’clock spot maybe it’s time to consider turning to televangelism.
4. If your team plays the day game on Christmas, which means Christmas has fallen on a Sunday. I get it, it’s Christmas, but if you’re a diehard fan and your team is playing on Christmas watch them. You went to church on Christmas Eve.
5. If they are in the playoffs including the Super Bowl, there are no exceptions. If your team is playing Sunday morning in a playoff game you need to watch it. A quick note on the Super Bowl. I know it’s at night but if your team is playing in the biggest game of the year you should really skip church. Listen I’ve seen two Broncos Super Bowls, one of them I stayed home from church for the other, well I went to church and acolyte, the Broncos got blown out by the Seahawks.
So, as we approach Americas most trying ethical times, football season vs church, take the tips I’ve given and make a good judgment call. Or by NFL game pass and watch football on your phone under the cover of a hymnal.